Thursday, October 11, 2012

Letters to Lydia: Three Months

Dear sweet Lydia, 

This was a hard month, wasn't it?

A lot of tears have been shed on my part. But even with tears streaming down my face, you were always looking back at me, smiling from ear to ear. You are just what I need. 

The truth is, since about 3 weeks post partum, I've been battling what is known as a "post partum mood disorder" in the form of intense anxiety. And this month, it got the best of me. None of my worries are logical and it's hard to explain, but so much of it is wrapped up in breastfeeding that we have made plans to wean. It breaks my heart to tell you this. You are doing so well. It's not you (except for that latch ;)) it's me. I told myself to make it to three months, and here we are. I wish I could give you more. But I've lost the ability to be a good mother and wife because I am overcome with anxiety. I need to kick these extra hormones to the curb. At your two month check up the doctor was very happy with you. They did confirm you had a minor posterior tongue tie, but advised against clipping it. We were supposed to get your vaccinations done, but they had me administer the rotavirus (via syringe) while they stepped out of the room and you threw it all up, along with your feeding, so we immediately headed home (me in tears) to try again another time. We cancelled your appointment at the Newman Clinic - momma couldn't take anymore advice or things to work on in the breastfeeding department. We introduced one bottle into our routine in the morning because it was crazy trying to nurse you, get your grouchy brother up, and get your sister ready and to school on time. That has been a "relief bottle" for sure. Just before 3 months we did get your vaccinations done, and you weighed in at 14lbs 6oz. 

You have been having more awake time during the days and are enjoying smiling at yourself in mirrors and trying to grasp toys on your play mat. Shortly after your two month birthday you rolled over from your tummy to your back and have been doing that throughout the month. You have become quite lazy again with tummy time, especially now that you've figured out how to escape it! 

There have been a handful of weird evenings this month where you just wanted mommy. It hurt your daddy's feelings a little bit. He usually rocks you to sleep, but on these particular nights, you would scream through the bedtime routine. We weren't sure what was going on, but I decided to take you back to the bedroom and snuggled up next to you in my bed and sure enough, no nursing required, you happily fell asleep. It was so sweet. I want to remember that forever. But don't do it too often, your daddy wants some sweet time with you, too. 

Speaking of him, I'm starting to think you are 98% Dad and 2% Mom (I carried you, after all!). When I look at you - your looks, your love for sleep and snuggling, your laid-back demeanor, the ease with which you smile - I can't help but see so much of your daddy in you. I love it. I'm excited to watch your little personality develop. 

Here's to a better month! 
I love you so much it hurts, baby.